Exhaustion

I admire people who succeed in running their body like the well-oiled machine it is capable of being.

the best thing i've ever written

SLAM poetry? Yes MA'M.

Untitled - The Fight


I am a professional at biting my tongue

For all my biting sarcasm that’s compliments compared to the daggers I have on standby - Under maximum security

Oh, if you heard the words on what I REALLY think

I don’t think you could take it.

But I won’t say a word cuz I’m worried about your heart - I might break it.


But see, the problem with holding it in is there’s no room for these thoughts to spin,
To orchestrate an escape.

They turn into words inside me that I hate.


So when I slammed that door
Please, Please understand
That’s just a bit of a slip of these thoughts out my hand.
But of course you can’t let that slide,
My teenage angst seems to
Damage your pride.

And after the slam I wish I could hide away
Because we’re about to have a conversation of words we’d rather not say…

You asked me, “WHAT is your problem?”
And I’ll start to cry
Cuz I might be good with words but with emotions I cannot lie.

We go back and forth with the same old routine,
Going nowhere fast
Escalating to screams.

But this time I slipped up on holding back
And with the first true statement

I think I’ll have a heart attack


I said


HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE LESS THAN WHAT I AM!

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON!?

HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME DOUBT MYSELF IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM
BECAUSE I HAVE NEWS FOR YOU:

I am not LAZY WORTHLESS BITCH,

I am hardworking, highly-motivated, praise-worthy, beautiful, intelligent WOMAN.

I am not a BRAT,
I am NOT immature
In fact, I am wise beyond my 18 years
But that doesn’t even matter cuz
you shouldn’t be able to look down on me just because you’ve been on this earth LONGER?When I know for a fact that while I’ve been here I’ve been STRONGER.

And I understand you never meant to make me feel this way
But you did and there’s kind of a price you gotta pay.

You need to face it –
It’s my life and I’ll do what I want
And those mistake – you can’t erase it.

I have respect for you, appreciation
I am grateful for what you’ve done.
But the connection here is bordering
on slim to none. And so I guess I’m considering this argument won.

I don’t expect there to be a change.

I don’t expect this relationship of ours to rearrange to resemble something more healthy, less strange.

I got my back up against the wall
I think I’ve almost said it all…

And I bet you wish I kept biting my tongue

But by the end of this summer

The biting is DONE.

i'm no better at blogging than i am at keeping a diary

I never did get that damn Helio Ocean phone. Now to the point...

First and foremost - goodbye 2008, 2009. Hello 2010! Why am I so inept at updating on my life? Ever since someone bought me my first diary I have been failing at maintenance. I average one entry every year or so. Maybe this third attempt at blogging will stick...? I always want a blog after I see a friend with a moderately successful one.

Wait.

Stop.

We need to address the fact that I am now in college. Currently in college. Actually procrastinating my ASS off in college. For it is 2 am and I have not yet begun writing a five page paper on Heart of (bitchass) Darkness, and I still have much Italian homework to do. 4th all-nighter in a row? YES PLEASE!

I can't really play ultimate catch up right now. Or ever. Because the two years you (you? who do I think I'm talking to...?) missed were positively jampacked with noteworthy occurrences. Honestly. My life is terribly interesting.

That sounds sarcastic, and I guess it is, except that I actually do think my life is terribly interesting.

So, who am I? I'm different, I suppose. I must be. Some things I feel the need to address:

• I've noticed that my weight has often been a topic of discussion throughout my diaries, journals, blogging. A lot of my old diary entries ended with the random statement of being "so fucking fat" and oddly enough I would whine about how AWESOMESUPERSTELLARFLAWLESS my life would be if I was skinny. Well, although I am still not glad that I am over the weightz, I am obscenely comfortable in my skin... I don't really know when or how this happened. Occasionally I relapse and place the blame for my pitfalls on my weight, but really that's only when I'm distraught over lack of boyfriend.
  
  Oh yeah. Still lack of boyfriend. Fail.
  
  I am failing evolutionarily.
  
• I almost want to impart to you (whoever you are) the shit show that is my life in terms of finances. But the more I think about it, the less keen I am on putting that bullshit in this blog. So suffice it to say I'm fucked, and let's not worry about it.
  
• Let's talk friendships. There are a LOT of new ones this year. Ya know, it's college. And it appears that somewhere along the line I also became pretty deece at making friends. Kudos, me! So, time for a friend check:
  
  I am currently doing pretty well keeping in touch with Farah, Kim, Sami, Michelle, Liz, Sarah, Robin, Kirsten. Those are the key players but I also have been keeping in moderate touch with a lot of other people, thanks to the miracle/burden of Facebook. I have a new bestfriend here at college named Kelsey. I am pretty good friends with Jacob except that we sort of fight a lot, and I'm too emotional for him to know what's going on half the time. Ha. Then there's Julia who really I adore, if only for her appreciation of The Counting Crows. There is Nicole, who shares some pretty fab similar interests and is just... in general a great person. I can tell. There's Cara, an extremely witty, videogaming, crossword-mastering girl who I also adore and who loves to play Infamous with me on my PS3. I cannot forget to mention Jonah, because I LOVE Jonah! He is just probably the nicest guy I've ever met. Honestly. He's such a great addition to our home sweet home Butterfield (the dorm I live in, which is orgasmic and has wireless which allows me to pull these horrifically unhealthy all-nighters in the hallway, where I cannot disturb my roomie). Phil deserves a nod because he's funny as hell, and is the host for most all the partying we do here in the Butt. There are so many more people I could mention, but like I said I DO have a paper to write, that isn't a blog. The rest of the new people are a mix of really annoying individuals who I tolerate pretty well and who Kelsey cannot stand and other awesome individuals that I love but do not predominantly hang out with so I did not mention them specifically. Oh wait, should mention the new guy, H.
  
  ...it definitely looks weird and ominous and almost as if I made someone up who goes by the entitlement "H". But actually his name is Hussein and his middle and last name also begin with the letter "H", so it makes sense...
  
  Anyways, he deserves mentioning because A) he is one of the few guys that Jacob has managed to trick into being friends with him, B) he is rooming with Jacob next year (which means I'll most likely still know him next year), C) He's around ALL the TIME now - he's the new Jacob in many ways, although there are certainly differences, and D) I saw his blog and that's what made me look up this old one of mine and update it. So if I don't finish my paper and all my Italian homework, I can blame him.

Ah christ. I think that is all I wish to talk of at the moment.

I'd say I'll write again soon, but it'd probably be a lie. So I will just say...

the ocean never rests

When I cry alone, I cry in waves... random spurts of hardxcore bawling, then stopping completely. I think it's rather absurd o.O; I am very sad today. But I am glad that it's raining, that's always good... well, to me.

I'm listening to the four saddest ballads on my Elvis' greatest hits album, which is actually my mothers. Oh myy, she just pulled in... *plumits further in self-pity && depression* haha.

So let's look at my day... or... let's not =/ I no longer feel like going over the boring nothingness that occurred today. I want someone to talk to but not. Tomorrow I might go shopping with my friends Kim && Kaitlin. I really hope I get to... I haven't hung out with Kaitlin in forever. And I need to maintain as many of my friends as possible... the way things are going...

Have to go eat with my mom. Ugh... I am so fat x.x